"Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She's trying to impress her new sex-retary."

Foreman – "Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28, and a decreased HCO3."
House – "Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb. Less significantly, we have a brand new symptom. Who's chubby?"

• Autopsy
"Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."

Chase – "If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex."
House – "Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth."

• Humpty Dumpty
"If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit."

"Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."

"I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."

• TB Or Not TB
"Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."

"You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa...can't think of any others, they all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy."

• Daddy's Boy
Cameron – "Who was that?"
House – "Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?"

"You -- Intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You -- Get cervical, thoracic and lumbar T2 weighted fast spin echo MRIs. And you -- Track down all the other Richie Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have the shocks, the trots or the hots."

• Spin
"You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor."

• Hunting
"Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young."

"Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."

• The Mistake
"One caveat: I've now moved past threesomes. I'm into foursomes."

• Deception
"What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know."

"Sorry I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head."

• Failure To Communicate
Chase – "We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine."
House – "I teach you to lie and cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line!"

Wilson – "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?"
House – "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."

• Need To Know
"Wow. It's a big jump from ‘Infidelity is wrong' to ‘Do her.'"

• Distractions
Cameron – "What are you looking for?"
House – "Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment."

Weber – "You can't test anything on an abnormal brain."
House – "That's so close-minded, He's not ‘abnormal.' He's special."

Cameron – "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"
House – "I wish."

Cameron – "His brain is like a waiter that's got too many..."
House – "Hey! I do the metaphors."

• Skin Deep
"Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool."

• Sex Kills
"Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win."

• Clueless
"Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search."

"Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... sklungs?"

• Safe
Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble."

• All In
"Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night."

"The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It's understandable. If he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore."

• Sleeping Dogs Lie
"I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species."

• House vs. God
"No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."

• "It's either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that'd mess with my bowling league."

"Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die."

• Euphoria, Part 1
"Everybody's great when they're half-dead."

• Euphoria, Part 2
"Oh, Level Three. Have you called Jack Bauer?"

"You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."

• Forever
"I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?"

"Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."

Who's Your Daddy?
"She looks just like you. You have the same fro."

"Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet..."

"I'm a really good secret keeper. I've never told anybody Wilson wets his bed."

• No Reason
House: "Where are you going?"
Foreman: "You're an ass."
House: "I know. Where are you going?"

"I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."