• Alone
Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."

"I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head."
Alone

“Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can’t hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don’t like having sex with them?”

House: “Are you a fan of symmetry?”
Young Doctor: “Sure.”
House: “Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.”

“By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup.”

• The Right Stuff
“You many not have legs, but you have ears. I suggest you use them.”

“Oh Yeah, twenty minutes in my office schmoozing about their love of Algerian surfing movies is a much better system.”

Greta: “I’m a Captain in the Air Force; about to start a new assignment. NASA’s astronaut training program.”
House: “I discovered salt and created FM radio.”

“Paging me during Judge Judy -- not a good way to win my affections.”

“So you called me? The guy with one good leg and zero leverage.”

“Luckily violence isn’t the last resort. Extortion is. Go ahead. Extort her.”

“Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people.”

“It’s a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude; she’ll be fine. It is a myth, isn’t it? Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.”

“Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?”

“The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.”

“I don’t know who’s been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they’re already fired.”

• 97 Seconds
“If your organs dangle, you’re the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you’re the yanks.”

“I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin -- that guy never had a chance.”

“Suddenly you’re shy? You pooped your pants in front of me. One of the nasty side-effects of dying.”

“You don’t think non-answers tell me anything?”

“Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.”

“Oh God, I’m tired of hearing that argument. I don’t have to go to Detroit to know it smells.”

“Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I’d never hear the end of it.”

• Guardian Angels
“I’m a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.”

“You actually think I’d take a patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER hadn’t already ruled out embalming fluid?”

“Don’t think of it as digging up a body; think of it as keeping another one from getting buried.”

Cuddy: “Doctor’s lounge is covered in mud.”
House: “Thirteen and Manipulative Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello.”

“I can’t ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it’d be insensitive.”

• Mirror Mirror

“So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?”

“Did you get a raise, because then you’re a whore. Or didn’t you, because then you’re a stupid whore.”

“Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests and private rooms for these patients. Fight the power!”

“Someone’s gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That’s how I stay so happy.”

“Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa’s lap as I tell you how infections are criminals; immune system’s the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it’ll make us both happy.”

“So now you’ve electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.”

“People don’t learn; people don’t change. But you did. You’re a freak.”

• Whatever It Takes

“Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle.”

“If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.”

“My malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies.”

“Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred ridiculous.”

“Does the ‘I’ in CIA stand for Irony?”

“I’m sorry, who you gonna marginalize? If it’s the housekeeper, she’s got it coming. Cleaning windows means cleaning both sides.”

“I know it’d be cool and all but sorry -- the Empire didn’t develop a death toxin to go with their death star.”

“You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but…”

“My friends call me ‘The Cane.’ Even before I messed up my leg.”

• Ugly
“Can I stare at your wardrobe and question your ass?”

“My eyes look better in rooms with summer colors.”

“I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.”

“Because she’s got way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering.”

“If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession. And the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he’s just another really, really, ugly kid.”

“You’re right about me being wrong and wrong about you being right.”

“Just a warning: if we have to start getting ‘consent’ every time we do a procedure, soon it’ll be ‘informed’ consent they’ll want.”

“You think your dad wants to kill you because you’re so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth.”

“Come on kid, you’re ugly. Means you gotta be smart enough to know there’s a bigger issue here than your face.”

“Bad ideas indicate an open mind.”

“We dismissed Lyme Disease hours ago. Put on some mascara and try again.”

“How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?”

• You Don't Want To Know

“...Also she's wearing a red bra today. Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants but that's not going to help with this particular trick...”

“Skirt that tight, you got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD.”

“You handed over her panties; don't think gallantry's an option at this point.”

“Cole has traveled through the forest of crustaceans to bring us a treasure. He has earned his reward.”

“You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds.”

• Games
There’s something freeing about being a loser, isn’t there?”

“Dr. Cuddy -- the face that launched a thousand long faces.”

“You got three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You’ve gone for column D; why? The simple answer is: if you don’t try, you can’t fail. Are you really that simple?”

“Odd. You care if I appreciate your music, but you don’t care if you live or die. Maybe the answer really is that simple.”

“Clinic’s been quarantined. Patient came in complaining of avian flu like symptoms. And fifty extra dollars in spending money.”

“Minus five for ingratitude. No ‘Thank you, Doctor,’ ‘Here’s a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Doctor.’”

“Pretty sure there’s no irony-body connection. But it’d be ironic if there was.”

“I’ve heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.”

• It's A Wonderful Lie
I know almost nothing of alien physiology.

Lies are like children: they’re hard work, but it’s worth it because the future depends on them.

The problem with sleeping with strangers is… they’re strange.

The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.

You talk to your kid about sex so she’ll think you’re open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don’t wanna talk about.

Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.

• Frozen
Slippery slope -- today we withhold porn, tomorrow it’s clean bandages.

Coma Guy needs cable. Women’s billiards is the only thing keeping him alive.

I’m a complicated man: I loathe her for many reasons.

He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he’s up for this.

Your theory is: I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that’s what love is, I don’t want anything to do with it.

• Don't Ever Change
"You don't like strong, you don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying, is she?"

"She's scary. Why does scary need pathetic?"

"People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep on repeating 'people don't change.'"

"And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am."

"This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves.. Oh my God. You're sleeping with me."

• No More Mr. Nice Guy
"It's a pretty simple string of logic actually: you make people miserable, then they do what you want them to do, because then the misery goes away."

"Genetic defect; nice."

"Okay, maybe I am biased. Let's take a vote. Who thinks niceness is not a symptom?"

"I didn't invite you to be nice; I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves."

"When you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it proves my respect for you."

"Run him for everything you can think of: lepto, schisto, hemo and the fourth Marx Brother nobody ever heard of."

"Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail."

"So syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm gonna be even more attractive to the ladies."

• Living The Dream
As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like…can’t think of any. Good thing because they would suck. And be redundant.”

“I kidnapped you and you’re surprised I lied to you?”

“Pack your manhood in ice; maybe the hospital can re-attach it.”

“We don’t need to wait for a reflex. If he can’t get engorged the way God intended then he can’t get engorged.”

“Yes, all pretty girls are interchangeable.”

“Thing is, hope’s for sissies.”

• House's Head
You gonna trust me? I lie about everything.”

“If I were kidding, I’d dress like you.”

“Your biggest problem is I don’t know what your biggest problem is.”

“Whoever wore this shirt… hasn’t showered since Sunday. Without the Vicodin, I’d have never been able to remember that.”

“Don’t blame me, blame my gender.”

• Wilson's Heart
Yeah, we all get it - her heart's not beating; gonna make it harder to diagnose her. On the other hand, it means she's not gonna die while you're whining about it.”

“I had a heart attack this morning. I can't do any more drugs 'til at least lunch.”

“A blowup doll would be more useful; and yes, that's the first time I've implied something negative about a blowup doll.”

“If he had a brain, he wouldn't be tending bar.”

“As long as I'm risking my life, I might as well be watching a talkie.”

“I'm branching out from self-loathing and self destruction.”

(Credit by FOX)